Saturday, 19.1.

We made an altar of the place where Olivia was lying: flowers that Bogdan 
brought and Rumy sent were surrounding her; dolls that she got in the 
hospital; paper heart from Alisa; a candle; and Tibetan praying flags 
above her. 
I had to think often about the documentary I saw about "Tibetan book of 
living and dying", and how they keep their dead in the house for days, and 
help them get over to the other world... but I didn't have any coherent 
thoughts about it... - but now I found this link: 


http://www.rigpa.org/reflection_and_change.html 

(But what do the Budhist people tell to their children when their 
baby-sister dies??) 

Camiel took the kids to the library, with Peter. He was the first one to 
tell me how angry he was when he heard the news. I wish I would believe in 
God, so that I can get angry at God for letting this happen to me, to 
Olivia. 

Deirdre came by in the evening, and we had dinner together. Nana and Iris 
went home, to be with Thijmen a little bit; Mileva went with them. 

I started having the "stuuving" (fullness, engorgement) in my breasts -- 
the milk production has started. There were all kinds of controversial 
advices what to do about it: between tying the breasts tight to stop the 
milk from coming, to expressing the milk completely. I went for the middle 
way, and expressed a little bit, few times a day (Thanks, Horia, thnaks, 
Trace, and Syl & Anagot!). And I am making cold compresses of cabbage 
leaves -- they are of the perfect shape for breasts, and they help relieve 
the fever, and even reduce the milk production (there are also pills for 
that, but I want everything done in the natural way...). There are also 
controversial opinions about how long will this last: between two days and 
two months. Again, I am expecting the middle number: two weeks. 

But this was such a physical reminder: the loss of my baby is so 
physically painful! What a waste!! I want her to be here, to drink all 
this milk that my body has made for her... 

Instead, I poured it in the little plate, ad offered it to her spirit, or 
other Gods, to help her get..... wherever she is going, or gone, now. 

In searching for the answer "how to stop the the milk from coming" (what 
an  absurd concept!!), I found articles on the "La Leche League" web site 
about the death of a baby: 
http://www.llli.org/NB/NBMarApr98p36.html
http://www.llli.org/NB/NBMayJun05p110.html
http://www.llli.org/NB/NBMayJun06p112.html