1.2.2008. (Friday)

I slept till 10AM!! The first time since ... the tragedy. I usually wake 
up at 6:30, 7.. (unless I wake up at 3 or 5 in the morning...). But I 
really needed it, I didn't even realise how much I needed some extra rest 
and extra sleep. Luckily - what a good timing - Camiel took Charlie away, 
and Alisa to school, so it was completely quite in the house, and the 
curtains were closed. 

Then I remembered that Angela and Tineke are coming to visit, so I quickly 
tidied-up everything (more-les) in 15 minutes (Mileva slept at Nana's last 
night, that's why there was anything to tidy up at all...). 

They came and brought the news from the office, presents for the kids - 
and the plants for us -- orange rose, and Hamamelis - Which Hazel - 
Towerhazelaar -- to remind us of Olivia, and to grow and flower in our 
garden (instead of her...). 

In the afternoon, we went to the "garden center" to make our daily trip, 
and to ask about the best way to take care of our new tree. Camiel studied 
about it a bit, and apparently it grows up to 10 meters in hight - and in 
width! A bit too big for our garden... But it can not grow so good in the 
sandy soil, so it's not suitable for Bakkum either. Maybe we'll have to 
swap it for something else :(( 

2.2. (Saturday)

I made a blog entry out of this: The life goes on...

3.2. Sunday

Today was the first day that I *didn't* go out! That's because Camiel was 
completely ill with the flu, so he could not go himself. It just proves 
that it was on his insisting that I went out every day for the last 10 
days, because he finds it important for me to do so. 

I was writing the history of the events, still only at describing the 
longest day of my life -- 17th January -- and moving between the bed, the 
sofa, and the table with the computer. I had to cry again, which is quite 

(which reminds me of another [book]: "Until I Find You", in which the 
therapist makes the main character to tell her about his life "in 
chronological order", rather then talking about the current problems as 
they occur, and she's claiming that this makes a big difference in his 
perception of the problems. I'm not sure.. but then again, I am not so 
sure about many things any more.  ) 

4.2. Monday

"Baby.. Lvava.. bila... nema..." rekao je Charlie danas, tapsuci me po 
grudima i stomaku. A onda "Mama place... Charlie ljubi..."

Translation: "Baby.. Lvava.. was [here].. not here [any more]...". And 
then: "Mama crying.. Charlie kissing..."

That about summarizes my day.

Later I went with Camiel to pick-up the placenta from the hospital. 
Although it was just like "returning to the place of the crime", I have 
somehow blocked all the emotions, and did not let it get to me: but I did 
have memories of walking into the hospital barefoot, half-naked, wet, in 
the middle of the cold January night, holding my dead baby in my arms... 

(Extra: Camiel swapped the Hamamelis tree for the Cox Orange apple. We had 
take-away dinner at Nana's. ) 

5.2. Tuesday 

It was maybe the last time that I expressed the milk. Previously I did it 
3 days ago; and before that two days ago.. so it's maybe the end of the 

I still remember when I breast-fed Charlie for the last time, and I 
thought that it is maybe the last time in my life... and maybe it was :((( 

(Extra: Rumy came to visit. Nana and Iris too.) 

6.2. Wednesday 

Camiel has ear-ache. And flu, for days already. 

7.2. Thursday 

Alisa has ear-ache. 
Camiel's ear is better, but his knee hurts now.
I got obsessed with this song again: "Both sides, now". It's on my blog...

8.2. Friday

Alisa and Charlie went to dance school, and had their first "proefles".

Alisa loved it! All the little ballerinas, in pink skirts and tricot 
shirts; and the real ballet teacher - ah :-) 

But Charlie is still a bit too young for this kind of activity...

So, we'll try again next year...

9.2. Saturday 

We planted the apple tree for Olivia in Bakkum; and we buried the placenta 
under it. 

The apple is of "Cox's Orange" variety. Camiel has chosen it as a 
replacement for the orange Hamamelis (Which hazel / Toverhazelaar) that we 
got from Angela McLeod. 

We put the tree on our new place in Bakkum, number 837. Last year we 
changed three places; I hope we'll stay on this one longer. 

10.2. Sunday

We made a trip to Ankeveen -- which was supposed to be a great walk in the 
nature, during the beautiful sunny day -- but instead was very 
frustrating, with the kids not wanting to walk, nor to eat, wining, 
complaining, and both of us a bit ill, and tired, and trying to please 
either them or ourselves but somehow never both... 

Still, the village was just like on the postcard, kids went up the tree, 
Camiel pushed us all on my wheelchair, we had a nap next to the lake, 
bought some naturally-raised, wood-smoked eels, and had a dinner in the