Friday, 18.1. 

Sylvia, the lady from the "kraamzorg" arrived, and took charge from then 
onwards -- thank you so much, Syl!! (She also wrote down everything, so I 
will use her notes, more then my memory, about the next 5 days...). 

It was very "physiological" for me today: I had to rest, specially since I 
was out of the bed most of the day yesterday. So things that mattered the 
most were the contractions of the uterus (less painful, less frequent then 
yesterday), going to the toilet (I was doing fine there, too), how much 
blood was I losing, how much I was sweating - regular things to go through 
after giving birth. Only that my baby was lying stiff and cold next to my 
bed... 

I was afraid and worried that I am to be blamed for what happened to 
Olivia, that I am guilty for not protecting her, for not noticing that she 
is not moving any more. What did I do wrong? What should have I done to 
save her?

Anagot was very comforting (she came to visit today). She told me a story 
of a woman who was in the hospital, attached to the machine that was 
following the heartbeat of the baby, and then saw it go down and stop. 
They took her to the operation room but it was already too late... 
meaning: even if I would have noticed anything, it would have been too 
late. And she told me of another woman who thought she is still feeling 
the baby moving, but the baby was already dead, and was only moving along 
with the water inside of the belly... 

Doctor Stiekema also came to visit. He said that these kinds of things 
actually do not happen very often, that the most risky period is around 7 
months, and later at the delivery - but not just before. Still, he was 
surprised how strong I am, and how well I went through all of this. And 
Camiel too, but for me it was the physical process of delivery, in 
addition to all the emotions of loosing our baby... 
(But he prescribed us the calm-down pills for my mother, because she was 
talking it very hard, was still in denial, and could not sleep good - but 
at the same time she was the one always busy with children, and also not 
having anyone to talk to, because we were all sad ourselves, and impatient 
with her and her "irrational" behavior...)

Camiel had to go back to the hospital, to bring Olivia for the X-ray. 
Altho he had an appointment, he still had to wait for a long time; and he 
had to go to the mortuary. It was raining very hard; all the papers flew 
away onto the wet street full of traffic, and the nurse had to help him 
collect them, because he was holding Olivia... 

We met again with Meneer Fabriek from "De Jong", to agree on the details 
of the funeral: it was to be on 23rd Janauary (in 5 days!) at 4 PM, in 
Westgarde. 

Camiel was calling many of his friends and family to tell them about 
Olivia. I could call no-one, I didn't email anyone either (I've only 
canceled some appointments on Wednesday, 16th, in the "meantime" that I've 
heard the news and the actual delivery, but without telling anyone the 
reason). Nana called our family and friends in Belgrade to tell them. 

But it was getting awkward, because other people were asking me how am I 
doing, and expecting the news about the baby: over email, Skype, SMS... 
and the first one unfortunate enough to call me was Leo: I had to shock 
him and to give him such bad news... Then I called Hanno; then I called 
Rumy -- but I didn't want to spoil the good-bye party of Caz, so I asked 
her not to tell Caz. And I had to call my colleague Olivia, to tell her in 
person -- previously, I thought it will be an honor for her if our 
daughter has her name, but now I was afraid that she will find it a bit 
spooky. But she was not concerned about that, only very very sorry for me 
and baby Olivia...