Celebrating loss, embracing paradox: saying goodbye to Olivia, who will always be part of me 

Today is ten years since my third child was born, and died. All these years I have been making 
a special ceremony on this date: either alone, or with family; with more or less attention or 
activities; and this year, it was time to make a closure - to let go - to say goodbye - to 
accept the loss - to move on.

This was possible for many reasons: in the last seven months I have been dealing with 
questioning my life and my priorities; breaking down and healing; raging and mending . I had 
help from an EMDR therapist, and we worked on still unresolved trauma surrounding Olivia's 
death. Arnd was supportive in my exploration of extremes of emotions. Camiel and me have 
finally been able to work out an agreement on what to do with Olivia's ashes. Alisa and 
Charlie are old enough to be able to understand both the activities and their significance. My 
family & friends (Nana, Mileva, Nina, Ana, Emile, Sabrina) were there with their understanding 
and making the sharing possible. And I felt that I am strong enough to finally let go.

Today we made a photo: "then and now"; I made a web page; and I've read old texts 
from ten, nine, two years ago... Remembered the tattoo I made with her ashes; and balloons we 
let loose to fly into the "heaven" when kids were smaller and called the first evening 
star "Olivia's star". 

Today we also did the ceremony in the dunes : we walked through the empty camping ground, over 
the paths that used to lead through the forests but are now made bare, and finally towards the 
"Olivia's hill": a high dune near the "silent beach", where we used to pick 
many blackberries while I was pregnant with Olivia. She loved them - - that's why her 
"belly paining" was a giant berry!

Climbing the dune was almost impossible, because of the stormy wind blowing from the sea - and 
brining sea-foam with it all the way to us!

We buried her ashes in a hole that Camiel has dug, and we marked the place with a round stone 
that he brought with us: it's almost invisible, but we know how to find it. Alisa planted 
"visibabe" - "sneeuwklokjes" - snow-drops ; and Charlie planted narcissus and something pink.

Olivia's final resting place is the top of the dune, overlooking the sunsets and sunrises, 
being whipped by the winds from the sea, visited by rabbits, listening to the sound of waves 
and seagulls, and shrieks of children that are going over the sandy dunes towards the beach, in 
the summer.

It is a beautiful place to visit. It was a wonderful moment to say goodbye: continue your 
journey through the sand, through the rain, back to the ocean, and we will meet again.