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A speech for my daughter Olivia, at her cremation ceremony, 23rd January, Wednesday, 4 PM, on Westgaarde, Amsterdam:

Draga bebo,
dear, darling baby

thank you for choosing to be with us in the first place.
I enjoyed carrying you within me for the last nine months,
and I wish we didn't have to be separated like this,
before I could even see you alive,
and before I could get to know what kind of person you are.

Still, from your life, and death, I have learned many powerful lessons:

the first one being -- that your purpose for coming onto this Earth was not to teach me any lessons, that you were not here for us, you were not created to bring peace between your parents, nor did you leave to punish us -- you had your own reasons to be here, and to leave.
This is true for our other children, too.
So this will help me to see Alisa and Charlie as individuals, who need us only to help them out a little bit in the start of their lives, and then they go further to fulfill THEIR life's purpose.

Another lesson - even if that was not her intention to teach me - was that life is too short and very precious, that everyone is * going to die * , and that I want to spend my time being nice to people that I love, while I still have a chance.

Because of Olivia, I now see a little baby inside of every person I meet, and I see the potential that they had as a baby, and the gentleness that they need to be handeled with, and I hope this will make it possible for me to treat other people better, with more consideration and compassion.

And I already do: I became less materialistic, I care less about things or results and more about feeling good along the way to get those results, and I'm putting people before the things.

I also realised that I will be gone at some point, too, and then (when my time comes to leave this world,) I don't want to have any regrets. So I will find out what is it that I find most important, what my purpose in life is, and then I will keep on doing that.

I already became more spontaneous, more honest, and trusting my feelings and my intuition more, even if I find them irrational; even if that means that I am changing my mind every half an hour; even if it is against what "experts" say.

I have learned that there is not always a rational explanation for something, but it can still be true.

You showed me the motherly side of myself that I was still not so sure of: I wanted to have YOU because I love babies, because I love children, and because Camiel and me are good parents and make such nice kids :-)

And even if she was not planned, and I had pain through the pregnancy -- I also enjoyed it at the same time -- and even when I know now that is not always with the "happy ending" -- I do not regret anything: I would do it all over again!

But, there is still a painful side to the broken motherhood: my breasts are now bursting with milk that Olivia doesn't need - so I won't be able to hug you guys as strong as I wish, after this ceremony is over...

Finally, I want to share my explanation or a phantasy about what just happened:

I believe that there are countless parallel universes, and that every time any of us makes any decision, we choose one version, but all the other versions, in which we have made different decision, also exist - in some other dimension.

This kind of a powerful event marks the point at which our multiple realities have a very distinct split in two categories: in one half of them we continue to be without Olivia; but there is still countless number of other parallel universes in which Olivia is still alive, and we are living together, and other unknown things happen in the future of "us" who live there / then.

Olivia, no-one knows what the future will bring for these "us" that are left now to continue living without you. But maybe we will meet again...

I am happy that I was your mother, at least for a while. Be in peace, my little darling. Volim te.

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